A (Potential) Character Flaw

I have been thinking tonight about a (potential) character flaw, and this seemed like the proper forum to do some thinking out loud. I guess I need to think about it because when you discover a character flaw in yourself (whether it's a self discovery or kindly pointed out to you), you can either change or learn to accept it. There are some things about myself that I accept, but there are some things I've tried to change.

This train of thought actually started yesterday during class. I tend to get embarrassed easily, and though I have certainly gotten better at not getting embarrassed, this still becomes an issue for me on occasion. For example, when I forgot we were waiting for Emily to read and started in on the discussion. My initial reaction was to curl up and die in a ball of shame and never speak again, but I was able to see the humor in the situation and laugh it off (though I did have to give myself a little pep talk before saying anything again). This represents progress for me.

I had a similar situation in my travel writing class tonight. I broke away from the main topic of discussion to ask if the essay in question was really travel writing. I thought it was a valid question, but after a minute I realized that it wasn't really pertinent, that we'd already discussed what the genre is, and that I had totally derailed the conversation. I felt foolish. It wasn't that the teacher or any of the other students said anything to make me feel that way, I just read too much into the situation. But I felt enough chagrin to keep me mostly silent for the rest of the class.

I am one of those sad people who do things or rather, don't do things, out of a fear of looking foolish. I think a lot of people fall into this category, but I don't like it about myself. I have accepted it to a degree: I recognize that I am motivated by this silly desire to avoid looking silly in front of other people or even just myself. But I don't like living in fear of anything. It's not a quality I admire, and it's definitely not something I admire in myself. In the movie Strictly Ballroom, the theme of the movie becomes, "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived." This has become a motto for my life. I have worked hard over the last few years to not stop living my life because of fear. I went skydiving, I went skinnydipping, I traveled to England, I fell in love with someone who didn't love me back, I said no to someone who did love me and wanted to marry me. I took some risks. But have I really changed? I can't even speak out of turn in a class where no one really cares if I make a little mistake without wanting to retreat into myself.

My friends were telling me about a discussion they had about whether or not, as forward-minded women, they would have survived the Salem witch trials. It became a kind of game/classification system, with one opinionated friend immediately classified as "the first to go" and another who is decidedly more passive as "the last one left." I laughed at their game, but I didn't ask how they would classify me, and I realize now that I didn't want to know. Because I know what the answer would have been: I would have survived because I would never have let on that I had any opinions or thoughts or was different in any way. I would have been too afraid. And realizing that has made me realize that I have never really been brave enough to be different. I don't stick my neck out there. I have accepted this part of myself, but as I thought about it in this context, I was not pleased. I can't think of a single time I have stood up for something I believe in a way that made a difference. If I have a different opinion, I usually keep it to myself. I value keeping the peace over being honest about how I feel. And I don't think I like that about myself.

This brings me back to the beginning of the post and this potential character flaw: what do I do with it? Learn to accept it as part of who I am? Or can I change? I know I've made progress in the past, but I don't know if I can really be a different person.